Perfect Parenting Advice

I have to admit I skimmed "Unconditional Parenting". I realized when I started that it had been a while since I had actually read a parenting book, and I was really comfortable with that. I feel like I got the gist of what he was saying, and just enough of a taste to feel like I could put forth my opinion on the matter. Just as a preface, I am actually not the perfect parent. But I do have pretty good kids. All of the kids I have had have become good over time, and since three of them were not genetically mine I don't believe it was just genes that gave me the advantage. Yes, I am arrogant about this. So back to my opinion of Alfie's ideas. He does have a point. I agree that children should be respected. They deserve to know the why's of behavior and consequences. As far as throwing out punishment and praise, I think this incites paranoia and keeps people buying his merchandise because according to Alfie,the specific phrasing of comments you tell your children could destroy your child or make him succeed. One thing Alfie says is that you must always make sure your kids know you love them at all times. Sounds good. But in order to do this you must not use time outs, you must not isolate your children, you must phrase all of your statements in a way that makes sure your kids know that they are not diminished in your eyes even when they do things you don't prefer. That is a lot of pressure to put on a parent in a moment when you just need them to get a bath.

He kind of reminds me of a parenting and marriage guy named Kevin Leman. Kevin also had some great points. He promoted a thing called reality discipline where he sort of let the natural consequences of actions take care of helping kids learn appropriate behavior. I liked that idea, as well as his admonition for parents to always be calm. That is the part that is not like Alfie, but like Alfie, Kevin liked to give parents specific phrasing to use in their disciplinary statements. Kevin also used a certain amount of shock value by relating rather extreme examples of reality discipline, and held a standard that most parents would be hard pressed to emulate consistently, which detracted from the underlying good idea.

While I do try to be calm, and I do try to let the natural consequences of actions take over, I have too much to worry about in a day to adjust my vocabulary in a moment when I need to motivate my kids to appropriate actions. I try to make sure I give them hugs, even sometimes just after I have doled out a consequence. I try to make sure I encourage them when I have a good opportunity to. I try to go into the why's of the behavior I expect and how it will potentially help them in life. I actually even try to experiment with new ways to get through to them, and take teachable moments to wax eloquent on giving, sharing, good citizenship and the like. Some days, though, I just need to get the kids in the car, or in the house, or I need to keep the food off the ceiling, or I need to tell one of them they did a great job helping in kitchen, or with Cory. And in those circumstances I do what I need to do. So far my kids seem mostly happy, relatively respectful and more or less contributors to the family. I don't expect perfection from anyone, because I know that is ridiculous. That is why sometimes I have to apologize, and sometimes they have to. From the research I have done I believe that if I truly love my kids, enough to try to do the best I can by them, and I protect them from major harm and trauma, they will be ok, and I will too.

From the horses mouths:

Twins and My Dilemma

?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"? ?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"? So I am facing a philosophical existential dilemma. I just got done reading a book about twins and what twin studies tell us about who we are. Basically the crux being that we are what our genes predetermine us to be. When I tell Todd I fell outmoded he rolls his eyes and makes some comment about it not being that simple. I am sure he is right, but that doesn't ease my angst. Right now I am drowning in toddler. I am up to my eyeballs in developmental milestones and getting my kids to survive long enough to reach them. I have chosen to educate my kids myself because I think it will make a difference to who they turn out to be and to the world they touch.

The twin studies indicate that there is a measurable difference attributable to environment when kids are younger, but that by the time they are adults that difference has faded. They look at separated twins and how much they and their little quirks are alike when they meet as adults.

The book makes what sounds to me to be excuses as to why eugenics should not be allowed following this type of conclusion, but they seem weak and fanciful to me. After this book Aldous Huxley's world sounds like it may be the proper alternative for the human race.

Here is the thing that gets me. I think I am me. I think I make decisions that alter my life. I think I make decisions that alter my kids lives, but what if all that is just a delusion? It seems that more and more neuroscience is pointing to how much we are in bondage to our caveman brains. And when you really think about it, and look at life in those terms it can be completely understandable. Twin studies tell me that if I met my twin right now it is highly likely that our lives would be incredibly similar no matter how we were raised. The exception to this being that they have found twins tend to marry dissimilar spouses. But she would probably run, raise her own kids, be insatiably curious, volunteer, and in general try to help those she felt worthy of it, and of course she would look like me. The book said, don't feel bad that you are not original, twins say that the relationship they have with each other is very close and satisfying.

But where does that leave me, as a mom, and us as humans? How have the changes occurred that made us not cavemen, and how can we change the future? What if survival of the fittest is the proper path for humans and we should abandon all efforts for life extension and alleviation of poverty? It is easy, because we are so used to caring about these topics to dismiss the idea that they don't matter, but what if it is true? What if we are just cogs in a machine? Why should we believe the delusion that we should strive, the placebo that our life matters?

I am still planning on getting out of bed. I am still planning on raising my children the way my instinct says I should. But I am feeling a serious vacuum as to why. Obviously, I have a lot to discover.

This is the accursed, but interesting, book