Perfect Parenting Advice

I have to admit I skimmed "Unconditional Parenting". I realized when I started that it had been a while since I had actually read a parenting book, and I was really comfortable with that. I feel like I got the gist of what he was saying, and just enough of a taste to feel like I could put forth my opinion on the matter. Just as a preface, I am actually not the perfect parent. But I do have pretty good kids. All of the kids I have had have become good over time, and since three of them were not genetically mine I don't believe it was just genes that gave me the advantage. Yes, I am arrogant about this. So back to my opinion of Alfie's ideas. He does have a point. I agree that children should be respected. They deserve to know the why's of behavior and consequences. As far as throwing out punishment and praise, I think this incites paranoia and keeps people buying his merchandise because according to Alfie,the specific phrasing of comments you tell your children could destroy your child or make him succeed. One thing Alfie says is that you must always make sure your kids know you love them at all times. Sounds good. But in order to do this you must not use time outs, you must not isolate your children, you must phrase all of your statements in a way that makes sure your kids know that they are not diminished in your eyes even when they do things you don't prefer. That is a lot of pressure to put on a parent in a moment when you just need them to get a bath.

He kind of reminds me of a parenting and marriage guy named Kevin Leman. Kevin also had some great points. He promoted a thing called reality discipline where he sort of let the natural consequences of actions take care of helping kids learn appropriate behavior. I liked that idea, as well as his admonition for parents to always be calm. That is the part that is not like Alfie, but like Alfie, Kevin liked to give parents specific phrasing to use in their disciplinary statements. Kevin also used a certain amount of shock value by relating rather extreme examples of reality discipline, and held a standard that most parents would be hard pressed to emulate consistently, which detracted from the underlying good idea.

While I do try to be calm, and I do try to let the natural consequences of actions take over, I have too much to worry about in a day to adjust my vocabulary in a moment when I need to motivate my kids to appropriate actions. I try to make sure I give them hugs, even sometimes just after I have doled out a consequence. I try to make sure I encourage them when I have a good opportunity to. I try to go into the why's of the behavior I expect and how it will potentially help them in life. I actually even try to experiment with new ways to get through to them, and take teachable moments to wax eloquent on giving, sharing, good citizenship and the like. Some days, though, I just need to get the kids in the car, or in the house, or I need to keep the food off the ceiling, or I need to tell one of them they did a great job helping in kitchen, or with Cory. And in those circumstances I do what I need to do. So far my kids seem mostly happy, relatively respectful and more or less contributors to the family. I don't expect perfection from anyone, because I know that is ridiculous. That is why sometimes I have to apologize, and sometimes they have to. From the research I have done I believe that if I truly love my kids, enough to try to do the best I can by them, and I protect them from major harm and trauma, they will be ok, and I will too.

From the horses mouths:

Twins and My Dilemma

?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"? ?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"? So I am facing a philosophical existential dilemma. I just got done reading a book about twins and what twin studies tell us about who we are. Basically the crux being that we are what our genes predetermine us to be. When I tell Todd I fell outmoded he rolls his eyes and makes some comment about it not being that simple. I am sure he is right, but that doesn't ease my angst. Right now I am drowning in toddler. I am up to my eyeballs in developmental milestones and getting my kids to survive long enough to reach them. I have chosen to educate my kids myself because I think it will make a difference to who they turn out to be and to the world they touch.

The twin studies indicate that there is a measurable difference attributable to environment when kids are younger, but that by the time they are adults that difference has faded. They look at separated twins and how much they and their little quirks are alike when they meet as adults.

The book makes what sounds to me to be excuses as to why eugenics should not be allowed following this type of conclusion, but they seem weak and fanciful to me. After this book Aldous Huxley's world sounds like it may be the proper alternative for the human race.

Here is the thing that gets me. I think I am me. I think I make decisions that alter my life. I think I make decisions that alter my kids lives, but what if all that is just a delusion? It seems that more and more neuroscience is pointing to how much we are in bondage to our caveman brains. And when you really think about it, and look at life in those terms it can be completely understandable. Twin studies tell me that if I met my twin right now it is highly likely that our lives would be incredibly similar no matter how we were raised. The exception to this being that they have found twins tend to marry dissimilar spouses. But she would probably run, raise her own kids, be insatiably curious, volunteer, and in general try to help those she felt worthy of it, and of course she would look like me. The book said, don't feel bad that you are not original, twins say that the relationship they have with each other is very close and satisfying.

But where does that leave me, as a mom, and us as humans? How have the changes occurred that made us not cavemen, and how can we change the future? What if survival of the fittest is the proper path for humans and we should abandon all efforts for life extension and alleviation of poverty? It is easy, because we are so used to caring about these topics to dismiss the idea that they don't matter, but what if it is true? What if we are just cogs in a machine? Why should we believe the delusion that we should strive, the placebo that our life matters?

I am still planning on getting out of bed. I am still planning on raising my children the way my instinct says I should. But I am feeling a serious vacuum as to why. Obviously, I have a lot to discover.

This is the accursed, but interesting, book

Toddlers Present and Past

These creatures are lovely, really. Completely cute in their moments. But let me tell you there is nothing that does me in like being responsible for one, or more than one, every day, all day, every minute of the day, and night, and wee hours of the morning and every nanosecond in between. Because I swear that in my most recent toddler's life I have been needed at least once in every single one of the aforementioned time frames. There is nothing like it. I remember pulling all-nighters in college. Hey, I even remember the all-nighter when 30 minutes before class the next day all the work I had done didn't save, and I had to beg mercy for more time to re-do it. But none of that is like the stress of being responsible for a little being that finds all manner of risky things and runs with them, that cries for no reason other than wanting more attention when all you are doing is getting him food, that loves to do nothing more than stripping every toilet paper roll he finds, and drown his bagels in the tub.

Yes, I know, you have heard this on every mommy blog everywhere. But that is because it is simply amazing. How can one little being require so much attention? How can they be fascinated by so many things that require mommy to clean up or unplug? How can that fire truck ride-on toy he got for christmas occupy so little of his time?

Maybe that is what inspires so much pride in moms who make it through. Nothing in my life was more taxing than seeing my kids through their toddler years. But I did it, five, going on six possibly going on a couple more times, and then I will retire from toddlerhood. And I will require my pension. I will be on easy street. I will be able to breath. I honestly find I forget to sometimes these days. I hit a momentary lull and find my body completely tense, and then I breath. I have even taught Nina the joys of the cleansing breath. I have been trying to teach Arin that for years. He is the one who truly needs it, but he has chosen to find his own path to relaxation, not Mommy's.

I realize that if I had not made it through the previous toddlerhoods in my house, I would not have the great helpers I now have in my bigger kids. As a matter of fact I plan on hiring them this afternoon to cage the whirlwind for me so mommy can sleep. That is the thing that my precious jewel didn't allow me to do completely last night, or the night before, or any night since he was born.

Counter Clockwise

I have control issues. I really like the idea that I can affect my future, and that I am not just a victim of chance or predestination. Therefore a book like "Counter Clockwise" is right up my alley. The book is written by a member of the Psychology department at Harvard, who has authored many books and received multiple awards during her distinguished carreer. This is a woman I can trust. In this book Ellen J. Langer proposes that being mindful, as in being observant of details, and actually seeing the present truth, rather than being held hostage to preconceived notions and stereotypes, can affect our health in a very real and measurable way. While I guessed this might have been true, the birth of Cory convinced me it was so. Having my mind in the right place with the right thoughts absolutely made the difference between a two day and 5 hour labor to me. Sure there were other factors involved, but the difference my thoughts made were amazing.

Langer did some studies among the elderly. One major study she undertook was among a population of senior citizens that she took on a retreat. She divided the participants in to two groups. The first group spent a week reminiscing about what life was like for them in 1959. They looked at that year as a moment in their past whereas her experimental group looked at 1959 as if they were living it presently. The people involved in carrying out the study were carful to make sure everything that was part of the week was from 1959, from the magazines, to the tv shows, to the discussions. By the end of the week, both groups present showed measurable signs of improvement in hearing and memory, but the group that was fully immersed in the idea of 1959 being the present showed more improvement in areas like joint flexibility, height, weight, and many even improved their scores on intelligence tests.


Langer found that when hotel cleaning staff were informed that their job satisfied the CDC's recommendations for an active lifestyle they lost weight and improved their health, just by being mindful of their work. Langer also took issue with the language used when referring to the condition of cancer patients. She noted that it is possible that merely telling someone they have a terminal disease, may deprive them of the hope they need to conquer it. She also encourages everyone to think outside of the traditional medical box, ask questions, and realize that when it comes to health there are few hard and fast paths to follow.


In short, this book is full of studies and ideas that make the thoughts floating through our brains seem more than random ideas, but a power that can be harnessed. Langer indicates in her book, however that these ideas are not necessarily a fountain of youth, or a cure for cancer, they are more like an aid, a vitamin. While being mindful about our health may actually physically help us, it will at worst at least give us hope, and help us to make the most of the time we have.

Market Day

This post is so late as to be rather irrelevant chronologically, yet the idea behind it was so good I am determined to post it. In December, before Christmas, one of the homeschool groups we belong to hosted a day they call Market Day. The idea for this activity is to allow the kids to sell, trade or buy items. It gives the kids a chance to acquire things for themselves or for others for Christmas. Well, in November, Nina learned how to hand knit and I was faced with the prospect of long noodles of hand knitting accumulating all over the house. I suggested that Nina make necklaces and bracelets to sell at Market Day. Evan was nearby during this conversation and when he heard someone talking about earning money he perked up and had the idea to sell origami ninja stars. Arin rarely feels crafty, but he wanted to jump on the moneybag bandwagon so I suggested he collect small toys I really wanted to get rid of that were around the house and sell them. We all spent weeks stockpiling wares, talking about pricing, quality, supply and demand, and presentation. Basically we learned capitalism in a simple, age-appropriate nutshell. On Market day I dug out a festive table cloth, and brought a bean bag target so that 1. kids would have something to do with their ninja stars other than pelt each other, and 2. if people wanted to play the game they would have to buy a ninja star. The day was a success. All of the kids earned money: not enough to finance their college education, but not a bad haul for sales in the average kid market.