The seven year marriage

So I heard a theory recently that human relationships may be moving toward a time when monogamous partnerships will span a period of seven to ten years, whereupon, the partners, having lost that loving feeling toward each other will then amicably split to seek others more suitable to their current maturity, interests, whatever they feel are the traits they have most outgrown in their previous partner. There are some definite pros and cons to this idea, so I thought I would explore a few.

Pros: Easing time pressure. Many have fallen prey to the tightening noose of age or availability. People feel pressure from family to find a mate, friends to prove they are worthy of attracting a partner, and from society that there are certain expectations when one ventures into a relationship. All of these factors can contribute to a person vowing to partner with another forever when they are not prepared, not willing, or simply ignorant of the full consequences. Young people are expected to make a very important decision when, in reality they may be more suited to solidifying their life partner a decade later than when they are presented with the opportunity. So how would it affect people if there were no pressure from society. If it was expected that they partner up with the person of their choosing for the period of time that suited the relationship. Then they could split amicably and move on to a more mature partner, and what if there were no time pressure because most of the people in their generation were doing the same thing so at any given moment there were a significant pool of available singles to choose from for your next string of monogamous years. Would this lead to more general satisfaction, possibly more intellectual growth or more brain activity into the later years of life as our brains must adjust to a new person with new interests every decade or so of our lives?

Allowing personal growth. It is hard to know what a person in their twenties will be like in their thirties or forties. Will their interests or career change? Will they still feel the same way about you or will they be bored? What if two people just don’t mature in the same direction or at the same pace. Many people complain about the excitement of newlywed life fading into a stagnant place of boredom. What if there were a no guilt escape hatch at the end of that gray place where people would agree to seek other partners peacefully. What if everyone did it to the point that angry fights and litigation were no longer necessary. It is relatively well established that humans need struggle, in the form of goals or purpose: something to shoot for, to maintain a desire for living. People who are denied struggle are often depressed and suicidal. Could not our continued goal be a better and better partner? Would that influence people to have more satisfaction in life overall? Would people find they were more true to themselves? Would they follow their dreams more because they knew if their partner didn’t approve they could just leave for a saner partner?

More equal opportunity? would a scenario including multiple monogamous partners mean that the less eligible in our society would stand a better chance of finding a partner. Maybe a more eligible partner would submit to having a far less eligible partner because they knew it was for a limited time. Could people with mental or physical deficiencies be able to enjoy a satisfaction that is normally only afforded to those better off? Would this lead to people being more compassionate because they are able to have close experiences with those they ordinarily would ignore. Would it lift the spirits of those who would normally be overlooked for mating to an extent that would in general give them a better, more satisfying life, possibly even alleviating their conditions to a certain extent?




Cons: Misconstruing the basis of a satisfying relationship. It is hard to say, but I wonder how likely it would be, if our relationships were of a temporary sort, even a long term temporary kind, that we would really invest our whole selves in them. If we knew that when our differences with our partner mounted up to a level we did not feel comfortable with we could leave guilt free, would we sacrifice much to accommodate our partner? Would we work very hard to try to bring our partner into our lives? Would we try very hard to understand their feelings and interests? If we were given such leeway to be ourselves that it didn’t matter how well it coincided with another person why would we really, truly care that much about them? We would not have much at stake. What if, then we discover that what makes a relationship truly satisfying is giving of ourselves for another and finding that the other person similarly loves us enough to give of themselves for us. Would we really be motivated to experience that selfless love if we didn’t have to? Obviously many, possibly the majority of American marriages are devoid of this kind of love already so a move to make that state of being more acceptable would have little affect. But what if true love is the complete and most deeply satisfying human experience and it depends on the partners involved being if not selfless, than at least concerned with the wellbeing of another to the extent that they would sacrifice some of their own selfish happiness. Would it really profit the human race to encourage a system that would favor convenience over long term satisfaction? It is already established that married people, men at least live longer lives. There may be something to be said for doing the work that it takes to maintain a relationship over giving up on it for another.

The affect on future generations. There is no mention in the seven year plan about what should be done with the children produced in these temporary relationships. Obviously there is already a large population of children who are the products of divorce, and statistically these children are generally at a disadvantage compared to their counterparts in a stable two parent household. In general I attribute the breakdown of these families in large part to selfishness and most often where I see an overbearing concern with self more than a concern for others I see anger, depression, violence, and most other negative characteristics that keep a person from performing well in society and their own lives. I can’t imagine that a system that would encourage selfishness in relationships would provide much in the way of producing well rounded children that contribute positively to the world around them.

Altering the General worldview. When people find themselves in a loving family stemming from the selfless devotion of parents, it is much easier to learn compassion for others. It would be logical to surmise that parents who were attempting to give of them selves for the love of their partner would find it more natural to teach younger generations compassion for others in general and the value of sacrifice for the greater good. In a society that revolved around short term monogamous relationships as the standard it seems more natural that a more selfish worldview would be taught to future generations. Possibly something more resembling survival of the fittest than opportunity for all. While we seek to pursue modern relationships we may find ourselves throwing out the social evolution that has made humans so superior to animals.


Health Impact. I do not know what kind of health impact these short term monogamous relationships may have. While sex won’t in general be completely careless, those with ongoing std’s will have more partners to potentially pass the diseases to. At the same time there could potentially be more genetic diversity among offspring as there more children by more combinations of people.

These are just a few issues related to short term serial monogamy. What do you think?

The Birth of Cory

As far as peak experiences go I am still reveling in my latest. It happened on October 1, 2010 when my new son entered the world. The evening began routinely enough. Todd was out, and I put all of the kids to bed. I was working on cleaning the kitchen, when the baby started putting pressure on my sciatic nerve. This had been happening many evenings over the last few weeks. It gave me a shooting pain down my leg, that usually made me stumble and indicated it was time for me to take a break. Normally the pain went away when I sat or laid down. I decided to take a bath. This was the first time I remember the pains continuing when I was sitting in the bath. Then Todd came home and I sat on the bed to talk to him a bit. We were in the midst of conversation when I paused and said, “Oh, I think my water broke.” I trotted into the bathroom, and we discussed our next step. I was not convinced that it was my water, because I had suspected my water had broken with Nina, and I was wrong. I was also concerned because I knew that if my water did break, then I was on the clock. I checked online to see how much time I had left to deliver the baby before I would have to give up my home birth dream once again. I was prepared for a two day labor as my other labors had been. Todd was the optimist, however. He was all smiles. “I know your water broke. That is so great! We are going to have this baby soon!” He kept saying. He called the midwife and while he was still on the phone with her I had my first contraction, then another. They already hurt and could not be mistaken for anything else. The midwife told me what signs to look for to make sure my water was indeed broken, and as she was talking to me on the phone she became confident that it had broken by what I was telling her. She advised us to get some rest and call her in the morning or when the contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart. She assured me that if labor didn’t continue progressing she had some natural remedies we could try before going to the hospital, and that helped ease my mind.
So we all settled in to relax and wait. Todd made a list of things we needed from the store, like the two gallon ziplock bags I wasn't sure we had, but the midwife would need, and snacks that I thought I could tolerate. (One of my problems with Evan’s labor was that everything I tried to eat I threw up, so I was determined to start snacking immediately) Todd fixed me up with an episode of Star Trek NG, and put my phone with my favorite music on it by my side. I took some Tylenol PM as part of my plan to sleep through the first night of labor. Following the Star Trek episode, I started my labor sound track. I realized very soon into the music that sleep would not be an option. The contractions were distracting, but I did my best to ignore them, or relax into them. I imagined dilating, and flowers blooming, and meeting my baby and every positive labor thought I had discovered over the previous 9 months. I thought about how wonderful it was that my body could handle labor, that every pain was natural and normal and doing the work to bring my baby to me and end the torment of my pregnancy. By the time Todd got back from the store (and sneaked in a quick meal from Wendy’s since he suspected labor might take a couple days and he remembered how hungry he got with Evan and Nina’s labors) I thought I should get at least an idea how far apart the contractions were. He gave me his i-pod touch with a stopwatch app pulled up, so we could see how long the contractions were as well as the time in between. When I started timing, the contractions were between three and five minutes apart. Within less than thirty minutes they were 2-3 minutes apart or less, and Todd was on the phone to the midwife.
She packed up and came over. I wondered if she was getting ahead of things, because I didn’t really believe I could be very far along. When she got to the house I was no longer listening to music. I was on my feet because my body had told me to walk. She began to get her things in order and asked if I felt any pressure. I told her, yes, and she told me to push any time I felt like it. “Really?” I asked. I was so amazed I couldn’t believe it. She checked me and said I was at nine centimeters. I was just flabbergasted. I had never known what nine centimeters felt like before. I hung onto Todd standing for a few contractions, and then I really wanted to be on my knees so I dragged Todd down with me so I could hang on him. The contractions were strong, but nothing compared to my other two labors. I credit this with my own determination not to fight them this time. During one contraction I remember thinking “I can’t do this anymore”. Immediately after my mind voiced that concern I remembered a friend had recently talked about a chemical being released during transition that tends to produce a feeling of panic, but provides the final burst of energy the body needs toward the end of labor. “Yay, I’m in transition!” was my next thought. I was completely giving in to my body by then, and making weird low sounds. I was not self conscious, I was not thinking about what I was expected to do, just what I was told in my head to do. I had breaks between my contractions right up until the end. There was a moment when I thought, forget the breaks, let’s have all the contractions and just get this done. I was keenly aware my clear-headedness. In my previous two labors I was so obsessed with the pain and so exhausted by the length of labor I had no energy to produce a clear thought. The midwife just sat back and let my body go. She was my confident, quiet support. She told me merely to push when I felt ready. Then I felt it. For the first time in my life I felt the urge to push, and I did. I felt the baby moving, slowly at first. I felt his head almost come out, and slide back in twice. I felt for a moment like I was pushing against something that wouldn’t budge, then burning and stretching, then his head was out. His body was out in the next push and it was over. I saw him lying behind me on a pad on the floor as the midwife checked him and cleaned him up a bit. I just exclaimed “Oh my gosh!” over and over. I couldn’t believe he was out already. The room was dim, and quiet, almost romantic. My baby was out and crying. The midwife said he was a bit blue because the cord was around his neck slightly, but he pinked right up, and he was perfect. Todd held him, then I got on the bed and held him. Wow, what an amazing moment. That labor was nothing like my previous ones, and it was everything I could have ever hoped for. The labor altogether lasted only 5 hours, leaving us 5 more hours to rest before the kids woke up and we were able to introduce them to their new brother. I conked out, but Todd couldn’t sleep as his watchful father instinct took over. After losing Evan to the NICU during his first few hours of fatherhood, he was forever vigilant lest anything happen to another newborn of ours on his watch. He stayed awake all night to make sure our new son was completely fine. And he was.
The kids and I were scheduled to go with my parents to the farmer’s market in the morning. Todd and I had called them when labor began to let them know plans may change, but we very likely would be calling on them the next day for childcare during labor if nothing else. Todd had fun calling them in the morning to inform them their newest grandchild was already here. They came over with breakfast in hand and were able to watch the kids for us through dinner time, giving me an absolutely peaceful first day with Todd and my son. As a matter of fact we had a blissful first weekend with our family. I couldn’t have asked for anything more perfect.
What a contrast between a day and a half of hard labor at home followed by a hospital transfer and an infected baby who had to spent his first week in the NICU (Evan’s labor), and this last five hour labor with a healthy boy at the end. I knew the difference was completely in my head. It was my choice of confidence, and peace. It was trusting myself and my body, and having no fear. I thought about how amazing and strong the connection was between my thoughts and my body and I wondered what that could mean in the everyday situations I face. What could that connection mean to my health, as well as my mental state. I controlled my labor with my mind. Could I also control my stress levels? my heart health? the speed my body ages? Am I ready to take responsibility for my health by determining to control my thoughts? What is the best way to think? I am not the only one wondering these things, and I am definitely not the most educated on this connection, but after experiencing this for myself I can no longer look at my thoughts as innocent ideas flitting through my head. They are important, and it is high time I learn to use them better.

Jen Langley photography

Photographer and friend Jen Langley was kind enough to come to the park behind our house and take some pictures of our family. We had fun playing and picking flowers. She was very patient with our kids, which is always a challenge for photographers. These are just a sample of the hundred or so photos she took. We adore the photos and are so happy she was able to document this moment in our family's life.

Thanks Jen.

Soccer!

Nina got her chance to try out soccer at Evan's last team practice. Evan's coach and his family are very nice. Coach Brown even decked Nina out in Goalie gear to let her try different positions. She had a blast and we signed her up for her own team next season. She is going to give up gymnastics for soccer, but she is very excited about the switch. I have decided one sport or extra curricular activity per kid is enough for me. I know there are a couple kids on Evan's team that are in two or three simultaneous sports, but that is more than I want to take on.

India Fest 2010

It's about time I let everyone in on some of the things going on with the kids who are actually out of the womb in our family. This was taken at India Fest. We took the whole family and met up with our friend Shubha who at the time had recently gotten back from a trip visiting her family in India. She took all of us around the festival and explained some of the culture to us. She also took Todd to the food area and told him what to order for us to try. She is a real asset to have as we try to help Arin learn about his birth culture. After eating the food, which was very good, the baby and I needed more so we left Arin with Shubha, and ran me over to Wendy's. I was feeling really bad by then, so I was so relieved to get my salad. We all enjoyed going, and I think Arin liked being the center of attention.

Surprises

For those of you that I just keep forgetting to tell, we are pregnant. ( I surprised a lady in one of my home school groups, when she asked who was reading the pregnancy book on the table, oops). I am due in early October, meaning that it is possible this baby could share Nina's birthday (9/29). We had always said that if we happened to get pregnant again that would be fine with us, though we were not trying. We were very comfortable with our eight years of birth control success. This is actually the first child we are having that was not planned, which sort of threw our personal God-complexes for a loop. But now we are in the driver's seat again and very excited to meet our new one. Especially me, because I am not a very good pregnant person. I have been nauseous, but not as bad as with Evan and Nina. I am able to control it by snacking on what my body tells me to basically every other minute of the day. I am so sick of eating. It's not like I can have burgers or pizza. My body throws a conniption fit at the sight of them. Then I get completely scatterbrained: I forgot to buy bread, I lost my phone. Then get moody, and tired. Poor Todd has been such a good sport. He has cleaned the kitchen more often, made sure I got my naps, and gave up sex when I was completely exhausted.

We are planning a home birth. This time I am much better prepared than I was with Evan's. I think this midwife is much better than the one who did such a terrible job delivering Evan. My current midwife has 15 years of experience and has even delivered her own children. I just got done reading "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", and Ina May completely and very specifically addressed the difficulties that I had with both Evan's and Nina's birth. I wish I had that book earlier, but better late than never. I am determined to have this baby here, for financial as well as other reasons. I have been determined before and that, in and of itself, does not get the job done. With Evan's birth I was determined to show all of the people who said I was crazy to have birth without painkillers that I could do it. That didn't work, but I am more grateful that the hospital was available to give Evan the help he needed than ashamed that I didn't get my part of the job done. My mantra for this pregnancy and labor is "RELAX". Stress is something that, as I am learning to let go of tension and take deep belly breaths, I realize I live very little of my life without. Stress is my companion and motivator, which is why Todd has put my favorite songs on my phone so I can practice tuning out the world, and being calm. Wow, what an experience.

SNOW!!!

About once a year or so here in Raleigh we get snow, which is great for us. It started snowing at about 8 pm on Friday night, and when the kids and I saw it you would have thought it was Christmas. We went out immediately and ate some. Evan woke me up at 5:30 the next morning to see if he could go out in it, but mean Mommy that I am, I made him wait an hour. Everything closes down here. Seriously, we had less than 5 inches but it just sat on the street and turned from hard-packed snow, to ice and slush, to ice. Doesn't anyone salt the streets around here? If this was Wisconsin we would have been out and going the day of the snow, but here, 24 hours after the snow only the main roads were cleared from use, and we had to drive to Food Lion going 25 mph the whole way. Anyway we broke out the closest things to sleds we own (boogie boards in our case)and headed to the nearest hill. We saw people with pool toys and cardboard over there as well, since few people actually want to store sleds. Anyway, here we are.

Helping

Ever since I started to think and question as a teen I wanted to help others. I wondered who were the most in need and what I could do. In the course of that quest I have been actively involved in the pro-life movement, volunteered at a crisis pregnancy center, had a job as clothing room manager for the Milwaukee Rescue Mission women’s and children’s division, and went on a spring break trip to help a farming community recover after a flood. Those are just the things that come to mind in the few minutes I am spending writing. I say all that not to tout my goodness (you all probably know what a spectacular person I am, JK), but to qualify myself as a person who has seen many aspects of people and organizations who are trying to help others in the ways they see as effective. Some of my volunteer and work activities made me feel I was making a difference, some made me cynical and all of them have formed my opinion of the bad, better, and best ways of helping those who need it. Some of my views on this issue are not in the least politically correct, and one of these days I will spout all of my lovely opinions on the subject here on this page for all 2 of my followers to see.

In the meantime, I wanted to let you know about an organization I support that I think has a very effective view on how to help those in the world who can really use it. KIVA. I have supported three entrepreneurs through them, and I think their idea works. They don’t give hand-outs. They provide loans to people in many countries around the world who ordinarily would never have access to loans. These people use the money specifically to expand a business they already have taken the initiative to create, and then pay it back. Except in dire circumstances like post-earthquake Haiti, I believe giving others help with dignity is the best way to go long-term to help people and hopefully, countries prosper. The video below explains more about what KIVA is about.

My Awesome Kids

The other day I became overwhelmed with awe at my kids. The day started before I was awake with Evan, our early riser, getting up (probably at 6:00 or 6:30) and discovering that our one year old foster daughter was awake. My husband informed me that Evan got her out of her bed, closed the bedroom doors so as not to wake any other sleeping family members, and took her out to the living room. Then he got some toys out for her and played with her. This is not the first time he has done this. I have told the kids that for certain chores they do that I have not asked them to do they can earn money. I have offered Evan money for helping with the baby but he refuses it. Later that day I caught Nina changing the baby’s poopy diaper. I had previously showed her how so she does a good job at it, and enjoys the responsibility. Nina has begun taking pride in helping the girls decide on cute outfits, and changing them in the morning. She, unlike Evan, gladly accepts compensation. Then in the evening we went out to Golden Corral where Nina happily listed each family member to our waitress, including ages and parental first names. Then, she brought back a plate with pizza on it especially for our 2 year old foster daughter because Nina knew it was her favorite, and this was before Nina brought back a plate for herself. Arin fed the baby crackers and then gave her some of his drink. Then the kids went on a wild sharing frenzy, offering everyone at the table sips of their pop. Talk about a parent’s heart swelling with pride. Forget scoring a soccer goal, or getting a medal in a winter gymnastics show. I don’t care if any of my kids ever refer to anyone as Ma’am. It is these self-initiated acts of kindness and helping that tell me my kids are growing into the kind of people I want to infuse into society: the kind that will see a need and fill it.

The god that is Tim Minchin

Lately I have become infatuated with an Australian guy named Tim Minchin. I am not the only one so I am sure some of you may have heard of him. He is the kind of guy I would love to invite to one of our friend gatherings with his wife. He would have some fabulous contribution to the conversation and have the best definitions for Balderdash. It is hard to confine him to a category. He considers himself a musician apparently, though in all honesty his voice, while so likable, is relatively mediocre. Yet somehow I can’t get him out of my head. His song writing is wonderful, and I get chills when I listen to his artful, yet hilarious word combinations. Oh gosh it just turns me on to think about his vocabulary. He says things that I very often agree with, though he says it in such a lovely crass, would-never-enter-a-politically-correct-conversation sort of way. He specializes in talking about social issues, everyday life and religion, or the lack thereof, and he has a way of saying what I am thinking, but in public. Then he combines that with spectacular piano playing. He will even jump up and squash keys with his toes on occasion. His fingers completely make up for his vocal chords. In a somewhat similar sense what he lacks in the looks department he makes up for in eyeliner and hairspray. Then to distract the onlooker from lack of muscle elsewhere on his body he uses every facial muscle with utmost dexterity. I believe one reason my husband doesn’t mind my crush on Tim is because he knows that Tim doesn’t really have anything on him in the looks department. There would not be much advantage in shagging Tim. Tim is also happily married with two kids. What a fantastically paradoxical turn on. I have seen my husband experience the same catch-22 of being admired by women for his devotion to me. Nothing could distract me, however from the awe I experience when Tim puts together his words and his music. So I just had to share him.

Tim Minchin - Peace Anthem For Palestine - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Obsessing

Me and my sometimes obsession

Arin and his current obession

It’s not that a person’s vocabulary is tied directly to their value, but I do love the moment when my seven year old is praying before a meal and he uses “beautiful” correctly in a sentence…twice. I recently dusted off our ancient ornate-looking dictionary because Evan drew a picture for his daily journal and used the words “lego creations” just so he could look up the “c” word in it. Very exciting stuff to me. There are a multitude of reasons I love having my kids with me so much. One of them being encouraging thier vocabulary, and another the things I get to discuss with them at oddball teachable moments.

One such moment with Arin recently combined the two. Arin has sort of an obsessive personality and when he is interested in something it can consume him. This is what happened when he was introduced to the X-men. If you happen to have owned a Klingon dictionary, or have attended a convention wearing the clothing of your other personality you may understand this way of thinking. Arin could talk endlessly to anyone about this one topic. His spare time was rarely spent without his plastic superhero companions.

When I finished my marathon in November I found myself strangely physically attached to my finisher’s medal. It was hard to put down for the next week, and each time I rubbed it my face fell into a dreamy smile. I explained to Arin that I was obsessing over my medal, similar to the way he obsessed over the X-men. I got over the medal after the first week and began leaving it at home. Then one day a few weeks later I spied it again and it filled me with pride. I took it to the car and hung it from the rearview mirror as I was packing kids and snacks into the van. Fifteen minutes into our drive I heard Arin’s voice “Mom, are you obsessing, again?” I laughed and admitted to Arin that he caught me. He loved the attention of me retelling the story to Grandma and Grandpa so much that “obsessing” is now a permanent part of his vocabulary.