I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla

I recently absorbed the book "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla" by Marguerite A. Wright. It comes highly recommended in adoption circles, especially if you are a non-black family who is planning on adopting a black child. I am craving this type of insight these days. I have a deep desire to know how African American culture could possibly affect my new child or children from Africa, and what I can do to help my new child navigate their exposure to that culture. Mrs. White seems like just the person to give me that advice. Her opinion seemed educated, balanced, and in some cases, blunt. I know there are many people out there with many opinions about how black and white culture should interact. Mrs. White made it very clear where she stood among a whirlwind of conflicting opinions and I respect her for that. I guess it helps that many of her opinions coincide with my own parenting philosophy, but much of what she said made a lot of sense to me and I would completely recommend her book to anyone who interacts with black children. See a sampling of quotes from her book below.


Page 2
Part pf my motivation for writing "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla" is to show that most young black children are not ashamed of their race. Indeed, like young children of other races, they are incapable of feeling shame about their color or race unless they have been unduly sensitized about the issue or somehow traumatized. As a black clinical psychologist and mother of four school-age children, I am bothered that black children are routinely portrayed as disliking themselves and facing bleak futures simply because of their race. In my research and practice, I've observed just the contrary. Young black children are no different from youngsters of any other race.

Page 4
In my experience, young black children who have a poor sense of self-worth are no different from children of other races who have the same problem: they are harmed by insensitivity, abuse, and neglect within their own circle of family and friends. Most black children I've met who are well cared for have healthy self-images. Yet it is convenient, even politically correct, to blame most of the problems some black children experience on low self-esteem induced early in childhood by a "racist society".

Page 8
Instead, in this book, I argue that children who are loved, cared for, and shielded as much as possible from early experiences with racism grow up with a high sense of self-worth regardless of their race.

page 37
some blacks blame "society" specifically white society, when young black children display negative feelings about their color, but if a preschooler has negative feelings about her color, the most likely source of those feelings are the people close to her, her family members and friends.

page 38
preschoolers, whatever their race, who are taught by their caregivers' words, behaviors, or attitudes to fear or dislike people who are of a different color are more likely to become prematurely sensitized to color issues and to regard people of different colors as enemies with our ever having any personal experience with them. Interestingly, these children will still be unable to comprehend what race means, but they begin to acquire the societal meaning attached to different skin colors. A prime channel of this information is other people's language.

page 41
If it is not permissible for blacks to employ racial epithets when speaking about people of other races, it is surely almost blasphemous for them to use racial epithets to refer to fellow blacks. No matter how some people may rationalize, nigger is a word that causes pain to many blacks, no matter who brandishes it. To claim, as some African Americans do, that it is permissible for blacks to refer to one another as "niggers" dishonors our heritage.

page 47
If we raise our children to believe in themselves and to develop their abilities, they are less likely to be negatively affected by advertisers hyped standards of beauty.

page 47
Parents and other caregivers who obsess about the colors of the characters in books (and elsewhere) may cause children to become overly sensitive to skin color and may actually harm their development of healthy self-concepts.

page 48
Some people have demanded that books that portray blacks negatively be removed from circulation, and that's putting it mildly, but censorship is not the answer, either. More often than not, children do not see the biases that adults become so worked up over. The more constructive response is for parents to start early to teach their children to read critically. Educator Herbert Kohl has shown how one can allow children to enjoy the pleasures of books that may have certain biases while guiding them in understanding these books' limitations.

page 69
Indeed, the preponderance of the empirical research literature, including longitudinal studies, on transracial adoptions, specifically black children adopted by white parents, have demonstrated that these children are as well adjusted as blacks who are raised in black families.

page 73
A child who is lovingly cared for, who is shielded as much as possible from racism, and who learns about race in a way that is developmentally appropriate can even become emotionally stronger than children who do not have to deal with the challenge of racism.

page 127
Fear of the white man's punitive reach seems to be one of the major underlying reasons why many black parents and other caregivers use harsh discipline with their children. This fear certainly has its roots in the early history of white oppression of blacks, particularly through slavery , in this society. Unfortunately, few experts have addressed this issue.

Page 128
Indeed the black church plays a major role in promoting the reliance on physical discipline. When I was a child, I heard numerous sermons on the value of beatings. I can still recall the uneasiness I felt at hearing the adults loud "Amens" as the preacher exhorted them to beat their children when they misbehaved in order to keep them on the right path.

page 130
the legacy of slavery seems to be the major influence on the disciplinary methods of blacks. Harsh physical punishment was one of the main ways slave owners controlled their slaves. Vicious beatings were administered even for minor infractions. Frequently beaten themselves by their masters, black adult slaves in turn beat their children. Through the years, this legacy of corporal punishment had been passed down from one generation to another as a means of disciplining children.

page 136
Children who have a close relationship with their parents are more likely to develop a positive self-concept. Research shows that children who have two parents who are involved in their lives do better in school and are less likely to get into trouble than children who come from single-parent homes. Unfortunately, black children are more likely thank children of any other race to grow up in single-parent, female-headed families.

page 137
Over the years, debate has raged in political and academic circles about the impact of the absent father on the black family. Scholars, politicians, and others have tried to explain this trend toward single parenthood, which seems to have accelerated since the 1960s, when the civil rights movement led to dramatic changes in black life in the United States. Part of the explanation lies in how the welfare system ( in particular, Aid to Families with Dependent Children) was structured so as to create a situation in which poor fathers had no incentive to live with their children. In some cases, several generations of female-headed families have lived "on welfare" and few of the children in these families have developed relationships with their fathers.
Fathers who, for whatever reason , have little or no involvement in their children's lives are harming those children. Many black children's self-esteem problems can be traced, as least in part , to their fathers lack of involvement in their lives. Experts point to financial factors as the explanation for black fathers' absence from their children's lives. In my opinion - an opinion based on both personal and professional experience - poverty is NOT the main reason many of these men essentially abandon their children. Some men prefer a carefree lifestyle that does not involve the encumbrance of raising children. Many white children also face hardship as a result of absent fathers, but given the obstacles society places in black children's path, black fathers have a particular responsibility to provide their children with consistent love and support in their formative years.

page 143
Black Americans, especially those from economically disadvantaged backgrounds, have limited alternative compared to most white Americans. But they still have choices about how they lead their lives and the kind of values they will pass on to their children. People who have the attitude that they are exempted from being responsible parents because they are poor or black just don't cut it. Just at is it important that parents have adequate financial resources to support their families, it is also crucial that some of them work to combat negative attitudes that limit their vision about the possibilities for their own lives and those of their children.

page 145
Black children who have poor self-esteem usually experience problems that can be directly traced to the caregiving they receive.