Cerebral Maternal Irony: Toddlers Present and Past

My Journal

2/15/14

Today I don't want to be introspective. I want to just be superficial, which is kind of different for me, not in an arrogant way, just in a factual way. I thought it was interesting when I read an article about a guy who decided to follow Ben Franklin's schedule for a day. Ben left time for study and to deal with spiritual things. The author said he almost never did that, and it was an interesting thing for him to do. Thinking about big things like God and purpose and why we are here and doing research into those questions is something I grew up doing and something I do all the time. How can you not wonder about that? How can you just go through life and just go to work, come home, be with your someone, party sometimes and that is it. That is satisfying? Really? Don't you wonder about things as a whole? Don't you wonder why we are here or how, or do you just take science's or God's word for it and leave it at that. I guess in a way you could have more of your emotional energy available to fritter away on personal drama. That might be interesting. I know it is kind of a weight on me to wonder about my, and our purpose, to wonder what or who else is out there, and it is a huge itch I am just dying to scratch to see everything as it really is. I used to think I would just go to heaven and God would explain it all to me and I could live with that. Now I am not so sure I will ever know, and ugh, that is annoying.

But to live without that burden, to me is to live in a closet. To live in the small world of what I see now. I just need to get out into the air and breath and wonder, and make wild guesses and hope. So with that comes the burden of what I don't know, of making choices and just not knowing if they are the right ones because I can't have all the information. I can't see past death or into the new millennium, so I have to make some of my best guesses blind.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Toddlers Present and Past

These creatures are lovely, really. Completely cute in their moments. But let me tell you there is nothing that does me in like being responsible for one, or more than one, every day, all day, every minute of the day, and night, and wee hours of the morning and every nanosecond in between. Because I swear that in my most recent toddler's life I have been needed at least once in every single one of the aforementioned time frames. There is nothing like it. I remember pulling all-nighters in college. Hey, I even remember the all-nighter when 30 minutes before class the next day all the work I had done didn't save, and I had to beg mercy for more time to re-do it. But none of that is like the stress of being responsible for a little being that finds all manner of risky things and runs with them, that cries for no reason other than wanting more attention when all you are doing is getting him food, that loves to do nothing more than stripping every toilet paper roll he finds, and drown his bagels in the tub.

Yes, I know, you have heard this on every mommy blog everywhere. But that is because it is simply amazing. How can one little being require so much attention? How can they be fascinated by so many things that require mommy to clean up or unplug? How can that fire truck ride-on toy he got for christmas occupy so little of his time?

Maybe that is what inspires so much pride in moms who make it through. Nothing in my life was more taxing than seeing my kids through their toddler years. But I did it, five, going on six possibly going on a couple more times, and then I will retire from toddlerhood. And I will require my pension. I will be on easy street. I will be able to breath. I honestly find I forget to sometimes these days. I hit a momentary lull and find my body completely tense, and then I breath. I have even taught Nina the joys of the cleansing breath. I have been trying to teach Arin that for years. He is the one who truly needs it, but he has chosen to find his own path to relaxation, not Mommy's.

I realize that if I had not made it through the previous toddlerhoods in my house, I would not have the great helpers I now have in my bigger kids. As a matter of fact I plan on hiring them this afternoon to cage the whirlwind for me so mommy can sleep. That is the thing that my precious jewel didn't allow me to do completely last night, or the night before, or any night since he was born.