This is one of my latest reads. The book was ok. I would have preferred more solutions and less setting the stage, but I found some perspectives that interested me and added my take on the topics below.
Lose your inhibitions!
Pg 198
"We are still so uneasy with the vicissitudes of sex we need to surround ourselves with the caricatures of female hotness to safely conjure up the concept "sexy" When you think about it, it's kind of pathetic."
One thing that is made clear in this book is that sex is still one of the things that make grown men and women giggle in awkwardness. Inhibitions, or squeamishness about sex is one of the things that seem to make it exciting. In strip clubs and other places we hear phrases like "lose your inhibitions". But I think in reality if we did lose them: if being naked in public was no big deal, if seeing a girls boobs was just like seeing her big toe, we wouldn't care about it as much, and the sex industry would be in big trouble. Besides the fact that men would have nothing to talk about in locker rooms, and women would have to think and talk about something other than what men want.
Here is what would be left. We would still want sex, but we wouldn't need it to show off to our friends or to have a story to tell. We would need sex because humans want sex. We would be more in tune with our own needs and wants and sex would satisfy more of our real needs. Society is so loud about stories of what we should want, what is taboo, that it is very hard to hear what we want and what we need. Maybe the thing that would satisfy you the most is doing it missionary style with someone you love. Maybe the thing that would really make your life worth living is doing it in a group in public. Maybe the thing you really want is just to imagine doing it in a group in public. In a similar way to how wanting to be a mother is excluded from true feminist options, wanting what will really make you happy sexually seems questionable. It seems that if you tout the feminist line you must sacrifice some of your own pleasure for the cause, or delude yourself into thinking you have what you want. Most of these feminists will never know because their sex messages are so loud they can't hear what their soul is really crying for.
Just don't do it! (sex education)
Another thing mentioned in this book is politics. The far right wants abstinence education and nothing else. "Just don't do it!" This has been shown to not help anything. Alternatively, the left primarily wants to hand out condoms and tell kids, "Good Luck". Giving them the freedom to express their sexuality at a time when they have no idea what they are doing. According to this book, this works out great for boys wanting blow jobs.
The author pointed out that neither of these plans is truly helpful to teens wanting to know what to do with these new sexual urges they are experiencing and the new sexual currency they have to bargain with. She doesn't say exactly what she thinks would be helpful, but I like the fact that she seems to take a balanced approach.
My theory about sex education is that sex, for the most part, is a reflex. Good, exciting, adventurous sex is learned, but what this is varies depending on who is involved so it really can't be taught in a class. And if you don't learn about good sex in an environment where you are allowed to fail, you can easily develop a skewed view of what sex should be. I think a more effective approach would be relationship education. When you know how to find a good mutually loving relationship, you have a safe arena to perfect your sexual practices without rejection, or unnecessary baggage that can inhibit your sexual life and ability to love forever.
The men and the girly girls
This author tends to group modern feminists into either the women who want to be like men or the ones who want to be what men want. The ones who want to be like men are very often not sexy dressers. They feel angry when they see women posing nude or waitressing in short shorts. These women are also the ones who feel like they should be able to love and leave just like men can. If they can't do this they feel the demeaning, prissy, 50's woman specter creeping up on them and do whatever is necessary to suppress any need for companionship they might have. "If men can be casual about sex, then so can I." Is their mantra. Because to them equality includes having identical sexual needs and wants.
The opposite side of todays feminists feel that "Fine, if men want my boobs they can have them, but I am going to call the shots.". So they get attention with videos, and other forms of public nudity and sexual gestures. They feel temporarily wanted, and not at all in connection with the weak part of them that may want to be loved for who they are and not how much skin they show. While the author doesn't come right out and say this as bluntly as I would have liked, she basically implies that both of these reactions, which are sanctioned by society, are too limiting for women to really express and demand what they need. Both of these roles are based on a foundation of fear, and ironically, insecurity. The insecurity comes from thinking that "If people really knew I want a guy to settle down and have a family with, they would see me as weak. Both women and men would be ashamed and disgusted by me. I wouldn't be living up to my potential." When in reality, women who are secure in themselves are not afraid to admit that they value family, or that they want a solid relationship before they give sex. They are not afraid to really truly know themselves, and say. "I wish I could be casual about sex, but I just can't." Or say, "I am just not interested in easy sex because it doesn't seem that exciting to me when I consider the cost." Or, "I don't really care about the cost, I just want to have sex with that guy or girl or both or everyone in the room." I agree with the author when she indicates that women will really have sexual freedom when feminists don't divide themselves into two narrow camps, neither of which truly represents the breadth of female desire. And neither of which even comes close to portraying what is truly beneficial for women or what they really want for the most part. Both camps are a pendulum swing reaction, and both are meant as a message to men, not freedom for women. When we can quit fixating on how men see us, and truly discover what we want and go for it, whether that means being a monogamous stay-at-home-mom, or a highly paid porn star, then women will be free.
Pg. 200
"If we believed that we were sexy and funny and competent and smart, we would not need to be like strippers or like men or like anyone other than our own specific selves."
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