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Waiting For Superman

My Journal

2/15/14


Today I don't want to be introspective. I want to just be superficial, which is kind of different for me, not in an arrogant way, just in a factual way. I thought it was interesting when I read an article about a guy who decided to follow Ben Franklin's schedule for a day. Ben left time for study and to deal with spiritual things. The author said he almost never did that, and it was an interesting thing for him to do. Thinking about big things like God and purpose and why we are here and doing research into those questions is something I grew up doing and something I do all the time. How can you not wonder about that? How can you just go through life and just go to work, come home, be with your someone, party sometimes and that is it. That is satisfying? Really? Don't you wonder about things as a whole? Don't you wonder why we are here or how, or do you just take science's or God's word for it and leave it at that. I guess in a way you could have more of your emotional energy available to fritter away on personal drama. That might be interesting. I know it is kind of a weight on me to wonder about my, and our purpose, to wonder what or who else is out there, and it is a huge itch I am just dying to scratch to see everything as it really is. I used to think I would just go to heaven and God would explain it all to me and I could live with that. Now I am not so sure I will ever know, and ugh, that is annoying.

But to live without that burden, to me is to live in a closet. To live in the small world of what I see now. I just need to get out into the air and breath and wonder, and make wild guesses and hope. So with that comes the burden of what I don't know, of making choices and just not knowing if they are the right ones because I can't have all the information. I can't see past death or into the new millennium, so I have to make some of my best guesses blind.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Movement

I have recently been having more contact than I am used to with those who find fulfillment and emotional connection in movement. I like to move, hard and fast, with purpose and possibly some sweat, but rarely is that movement integral to my connection with others or my feeling of fulfillment. It is true that running is definitely integral to my sanity, and my health, but what really connects me to others it talking: putting my thoughts and feelings into literal words and conveying them very specifically. Also, it is super important to me that I do what I can to tangibly affect the lives of others around me in need of help. I don’t feel the need to provide a release for them by entertaining them, I don’t feel the need to perfect myself as a performer. I feel the need to get kids in stable homes so they can have a chance to become productive members of society. I feel the need to literally help others in the most effective way I can see, but the movement artists I have been having contact with could never do what I feel strongly I need to do. They need to move with others. They need to love others through touch. They need to add beauty to the world. 

So while I am moved and excited by the prospect of representing a foster child in court, the movement artists’ eyes would glaze over. While I see the beauty in their movement, and I find pleasure in the occasionally dalliance with the movement world, it is just another way to stretch my comfort zone, it is not my heart. 

Not that my passion is better than the artists. My passion is about me as much as it is about the world. If the world didn’t need kids without families to find their place I would still feel the need to do something like it to a certain extent. Also, some of the kids I want to provide peace and belonging to will need movements arts to provide their sanity. 

The thing that I find the most interesting is how people in this world can look at the same world I see, but see it so differently.   Every one knows people have different opinions, but for me, seeing the passion these movement artists feel toward their art, and realizing that their passion is no less than what I feel, just toward a completely different enterprise, is fascinating. I could go in front of people and do a poi routine, but it would be challenging for me, and it would be totally out of my comfort zone. I could model or dance or do trapeze but I would see it as trying something new and stretching myself. For movement artists, that is their home, that is what they must do to feel alive, and that is their truest expression of who they are. Part of me wishes movement was more a part of who I am, and part of me is happy to realize that who I am is still ok without passion for movement. 

I am just grateful to have my understanding of people broadened any time I get the chance. I love to see who people are in reality and not just in theory. I love to be able to better address people where they are, in the world that is theirs, and in doing that, I get to participate in a limited way in a world that is exciting and new for me.  

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