The 10 Year Marriage

On July 28 of this year Todd and I had officially been married 10 years. As far as I know we are both still pretty happy with our arrangement. We are appropriately addicted to each other and habituated to each others idiosyncrasies, or so a happy marriage would be described scientifically. Ok, I admit it. Todd is just hot and that is all there is to it. Of course Todd understands that the only way I find a guy to be hot is if he is handsome, loves my kids, rides a motorcycle, and can stimulate intellectually challenging conversation with me. Ooo Baby, lets compare utopian philosophies.
A while back I posted the pros and cons of a theoretical universal 7 year marriage. Where society as a whole agrees to serial monogamy as the norm. (Technically we are almost there now). I was doing my best to be open minded and to explore a philosophy objectively. In honor of my ten year marriage run I would like to pronounce my official stance on the 7 year marriage concept. BULLSHIT!
In my experience things like divorce, serial monogamy, open relationships and the like have one thing in common: egocentricity. There is a strain of "I have needs and they are not being met, therefore I need something new or different" (me, me, me). Marriage is work, but then all human nature is based on rewarding striving with a goal accomplished and the appropriately released brain chemicals. If you avoid the striving you give up the reward, which leads to depression, and other mental imbalance. All of the above are an attempt to avoid digging deep into making something work by giving of yourself. Research is showing that one excellent way to combat depression is to volunteer, or sacrifice your time to help others. I have found this to be true in my own experience. I have also found that when I was in the throughs of depression, being grateful, or giving of myself was like dragging along cement overshoes. In an embarrassing way there was something comforting about the self-pity that accompanied my depression. Similarly there is comfort in thinking of your own needs, especially in a society that is so hung up on women keeping their own identity and men not becoming the slave of their women. This is why it is important to choose a person who respects you and your ideas, but also challenges you to change. Loving you for who you are is over-rated in my opinion. One of the things I loved about Todd is he encouraged me to grow and change. One of the ideas behind the 7 year marriage is that after seven years the two of you have grown into different people, and therefore are no longer compatible. Todd and I have shaped each other into better people. Thanks to him I am more organized and methodical, ( though I clearly have room for improvement), and thanks to me Todd is learning to relax and be grateful for what he has. (which is going to add years to his life, I tell ya) We had opposite strengths and we are balancing each other out.
Disposable relationships encourage carelessness which can lead to the basic risks all teens are warned of as well as emotional ambivalence. Once you start down this path it is difficult to believe how rewarding true love can be, become vulnerable enough to accept or give true love and therefore experience the rewards, or care about anyone else, the world, or yourself. This is why learning to be vulnerable in love is not just done in a vacuum. Living for another person grows character, character leads to a person being a better individual, and this mature, giving individual is good for society.
One of the most important effects of transient relationships is the affect they will have on the children that come out of them.
People continue to de-value children in society. They are regularly being used merely as the definition of ultimate injustice when one is killed or hurt in the news or movies, but other than that they are primarily the brats we grown ups are stuck with on a daily basis. We sort of love them as a reaction to naturally flooding hormones, but other than that we are not sure what to do with them. We all know how our childhood defined who we are now. Studies are fairly clear at this point that the most positive environment for children to be raised in is one with the same two stable parents. With every variation to this norm the risk of them not doing well in life increases. This means that for every parent that chooses not to take their relationships seriously there could potentially be another dysfunctional adult put into society in the next generation. It takes time, and yes, patience to deal with children. Unfortunately patience is more commonly seen as an Amish value: very useful when we all had to milk our own cows, but not so relevant now. Obviously I am of the school that believes kids are not stupid. I believe your future kids should be in the back of your mind in every relationship you have. My preference is that beginning in high school you don't date others, but yourself. Spend time journaling, and get to know yourself. You cannot know what you want until you know who you are, and I believe dating in high school is a waste of time. Be friends with a variety of people, but most marriages that occur directly following high school do not have good success rates so spend the time investing in what will really help you find your soul mate. Know thyself, then when you are over 21, and have been on your own. Look for a friend in a meet-up group who has similar passions, be friends for 9 months, date for two and a half years, get engaged over a sweet poem in a rented mustang convertible at the Grand Canyon, get married six months later, after sanitizing a friends barn for the reception. Move immediately away from all friends and family and start a new life in a new state. Start having kids only when you are ready and then determine to invest in them. Face challenges by supporting each other, not by blaming (Some of us are still working on that one). Commit to checking to see if your partner is ok after you throw them out the window in frustration. Seriously, though, everyone has their days. What Todd and I have done is constantly analyze to see if we could figure out the why of our actions. Not just dwell on the superficial. Realizing the true emotion behind the action helps breed compassion. Interestingly, neither Todd or I have blinders on. We each have had our days of wondering how our lives would have worked out if we had married someone else. Both of us agree that we have met almost no-one who would suit us better. Yes, as I have said, we are comfortable with the life we have habituated ourselves to, but being the rationals we are, the pros of any other person we know don't come close enough to give us regrets. We have it good. We are very thankful for that. It has been an excellent, challenging 10 years. I am looking forward to the next 10.