Pink and Blue

Obviously I have kids. There are boys. There is a girl (and for almost two years there were girls). There are differences. I have heard many people with many opinions about the differences between the sexes. I have heard people with and without kids tell me that outside of physical differences there are no differences between the sexes. I think I understand where they are coming from. I think they are reacting to the idea that has been so pervasive that there are insurmountable differences between sexes. Women are not allowed to be strong and smart, while men are not allowed to be sensitive and nurturing. I sympathize. For many years growing up I wished I was a boy, because I felt like boys were respected, and I was not. I felt like boys were allowed to have opinions and I was not. Boys could do anything, interesting things, and I could not. I wanted nothing to do with being part of a sex that was so boring and limiting. If that was what was meant by "differences between the sexes" I would have thrown out the idea long ago. To some people that is still what the difference is: weak and strong, smart and dumb, hard and soft, yin and yang. In science, in real life, the differences are not so simple, not so stereotypical, but still very obvious.

I admit that my opinion is partially based on experience. My boys and girl are different, but not in a completely stereotypical way. In a perception way. As I have looked into the science of it everything makes perfect sense. Boy and girl brains are different in a real way. This does not so much make us fit a mold, but it affects how we perceive the world: how we process the information we get and how we disperse it. Also, every one of these differences is on a sliding scale. While most boys and girls perceive things in a certain way, there is a spectrum.

One idea is that the differences between the sexes are completely created by the environment. I think this is funny, actually. I have been told that since Todd and I have stereotypical roles in our family that it would be natural for my girl to be girly, and my boys to be boyish. It is true that my children will learn something about the world from the fact that I don't work outside the home, and many other things they see around them. But how did this influence the tendency my one year old has to play with wheels? He loves wheels. Stroller wheels, car wheels, toy wheels. He spins and watches, and spins. Wheels are typically a male thing to play with. Cory has had equal access to stuffed animals and dolls. He did play with a stuffed pig once. He picked it up and smacked the ground with it numerous times, but most often he does not find these toys interesting. He has also had access to many gender neutral toys, and he loves many of those as well. This preference for wheels was painfully obvious, and we did as we have done for all of our kids. When we pick up on an interest, we encourage it. Wheels it is, and Cory received a set of cars with nice wheels from Grandma for his birthday, which he loves. I am not aware of either Todd or I , or any of our other kids, ever playing with wheels around Cory. (The other kids are all playing video games these days) Where did he learn to love such a typically male thing like wheels? If you ask people who insist this gender difference is purely social I am sure they can come up with some type of explanation for you. If you ask a scientist, they will tell you they have seen that boys tend to prefer toys that move, to those that don't. They will tell you that boys tend to see the world in a slightly different way than girls.

Those of you who know my kids, know that Evan is Todd, and both of them have very few preferences that could be construed as anything but male (except for Todd's love of Celine Dion). That is who they are. Arin has preferences that are more balanced. He likes action figures, but he loves the female heroes. He plays superhero squad, but he also plays " let's go shopping for clothes" games. He doesn't like to wear dresses, but he does like his nails painted black and his hair long. That is Arin. Nina loves pink, though, now she is really developing that rock star edge. They all have different interests, but scientifically it is not their interests that separates their sexes, and that is what we as a society need to get over. Boy is not blue and girl is not pink. Boy is speaking in more noises than words as they learn to speak. Girl is taking in information to a brain that is more entwined and connected than a male brain. Girl is being affected by maternal hormones in a different way than men will never know. Boy is developing mentally at a different pace than girls.

The science is fascinating,but what I want to leave you with most is the value. I believe men and women are different, but I don't believe that can be narrowed down to a stereotype. We have been teaching Evan and Arin that all men are not Daddy. There are men who stay home with their kids, who dance and make art, and work in factories. But being a man of any kind is a good thing. We don't want either of them to wish they needed to be a different sex to express who they are. Likewise, I feel like some people judge me because I have chosen to stay with my kids and teach them. They feel like women meed to be strong and have jobs. I think women need to feel like we can do anything, including stay with our kids. Many women wish they could stay with their kids, but can't or don't for many reasons. I do think women tend to be more empathetic than men, but I don't think it is weak, and I think it would be a great quality for a world leader, if a woman chose to be one. I think we are more nurturing, but I think nurturing is vitally important in this world, and needs to be valued equally or more than the strength to plow the next guy over. I think people, including extreme feminists, have chosen to place great value on male traits, when society vitally needs all kinds of traits to be healthy. I think the answer is not making everyone into strong, tough, male-ish people, but elevating female traits to the place where they belong. We need nurturers, and empathizers if this world is going to continue. We need to get away from the idea that being different is bad, or exceptionally good, for that matter. Different just is, and we need to work with it. I think this is a perfect case of society limiting science. Science has discovered the truth, that males and females are different, even if that difference is minor, but society is so hung up on our social history, that it is limiting what we are allowed to know. We could be teaching to the strengths of both sexes, and encouraging intellectual advancement in this way. We could be educating parents about the specific, exact differences between the sexes since society doesn't seem to understand anything but pink and blue, thus encouraging generations of people who are comfortable with who they are even if they don't fit the stereotype. We could be showing everyone that there is more to life than the corporate ladder, because the truth is that both sexes value nurturing, and family, and people who value their families tend to have more satisfying lives over all.



These are all great links if you want to know more, but let me warn you they are just the tip of the iceberg. Scientists of all kinds are learning more about the brain all the time, and everyone has an opinion about the information coming out. As with many topics you can often find articles to confirm your personal biases. I am trying to be balanced.

Time Magazine article titled "Who Says a Woman Can't Be Einstein?"

"Why Gender Matters" website

City-Journal article titled "Can We Make Boys and Girls Alike"

Great Schools.com article titled "Girls' and boys' brains: How different are they?
I actually tend to disagree with this article, so those of you who don't like what I have to say may like it. I feel the evidence it sites is rather weak overall.


Blog entry referencing the Canadian child "Storm"
If you haven't heard about the case of "Storm" it is pretty interesting and you should totally read the link to the Canadian article "the 'genderless' baby". It is turning out to be a polarizing idea.

Loads of information on gender differences from Education.com