The North Wind and the Sun

Our foster care journey is over, and I am still processing everything we experienced during the process. One of the lessons that I would like to embed in the minds of many people we worked with during this process is expressed very well in the parable of the North Wind and the sun. I saw so many people blustering their desires, when a calm, sunny approach would have gotten the job done. It is such a simple lesson that it just boggled my mind that many of the people we were working with did not know it, and seemed completely unable to comprehend it. My hope is that others will listen, learn , and make the world a more peaceful, friendly place because of it.

This is the story

Cinnamon rolls

Yeast and I don't often get along. That, or I somehow always get the yeast that underachieves. Early in our marriage I discovered I didn't have the touch. When I saw how much time I had to invest at something that didn't give me much satisfaction or anything edible in return I decided to turn to other pursuits, like trying to get to all the toilets before they were grodey.

So you may understand that it was no small endeavor when I decided to take on a cinnamon roll recipe that included my nemesis, yeast. The way Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond described her Cinnamon Rolls I felt all warm and and comfortable, like a person in a blanket sleeper with a blanket and a good book in front of a fire with a light snow outside and, well you get the idea: basically the ultimate in warm fuzzy contentment. I wanted that, and I was willing to risk an encounter with yeast to get it. So on Arin's birthday, Nina helped me as we mixed up the dough. I checked every few minutes to see if it was rising. It was. I was afraid it wouldn't stop and would engulf the kitchen like a dough monster. What was supposed to make 16 servings(I doubled the original recipe), ended up making ten pans of 6-8 cinnamon rolls each. Needless to say we are well supplied with them for the rest of the year. They do taste really good! They are so sweet, in fact, that I start getting a sugar overdose about halfway through one. We did it! Thanks, Ree! And for those who want to bring all the warm fuzziness home, as well as a good coating of flour all over the floor (Wow, that was a mess) here is the link. Tell Ree I sent you. (She is a pretend friend of mine in my own mind since I read her book)

My Forever Kids

We are nearing the end of our foster care journey and as I say goodbye to our foster girls I am reminded of my forever kids and how much I love them. Here they are during a normal school day.

Here we have the older generation educating the younger.

Nina and Evan decided to build a marble mess, um track, in the boys room.

Arin is getting excited during some video game time playing Super Hero Squad Online. Really, though, what is there not to get excited about in this game, if you're Arin. I mean where else can you watch Ms. Marvel eat a pizza in one bite. Amazing.

And, of course, my baby doll Cory Scott, silly and stoic.

March for Midwives

On March 2, Todd, Cory and I went to the state capital building here in Raleigh to participate in a walk in favor of licensing midwives. We were so grateful that we had the option to have Cory at home. Unfortunately, now our midwife doesn't even want to sign any documents for us out of fear that she may get into legal trouble. While it is legal to be a midwife in North Carolina and legal for me to have my baby at home, it is illegal for a midwife to attend my home birth. Both sides of the home birth debate feel that theirs is the one that is the safest and most healthy. As with most debates there is very little hope in deterring either side from their opinions. I know that from where I stand home birth worked for us. Similar to hospital birth, it is very important to have a competent professional with you who knows what they are doing. I believe our midwife was an excellent example of the kind of midwife that can get a woman through a birth successfully. I think it is a shame that she is afraid of legal action simply for doing what she does so well for women who know what they are getting into and want what she offers. These are not back alley abortions we are talking about. They are beautiful births in a calm environment accompanied by a professional with training and equipment, but most importantly, compassion and understanding. I love my midwife for allowing me to have control of my birth, and I will do whatever I need to in her support to allow other women the option I had. Thanks, nameless midwife!

Native American Childhood

Many months ago I read a fascinating book called American Childhoods by Joseph E. Illick. He looked at childhood from a variety of walks of American historical life. The book prompted me to think about many aspects of childrearing and I want to share some of my thoughts, beginning with thoughts on the first chapter about Native American Childhood.

Quote from explorer Charlevoix, page 9: “The children of the Indians after leaving off the use of the cradle, are under no sort of confinement, and as soon as they are able to crawl about on hands and feet are suffered to go stark naked where-ever they have a mind, through woods, water, mire and snow; which gives them strength and agility, and fortifies them against the injuries of the air and weather...In the summer time they run the moment they get up to the next river or lake, where they remain a great part of the day playing.”

One of the aspects of Native American childrearing that most impressed me was the period after age three when they were weaned and let loose in the world. I can’t imagine, in my busy suburban neighborhood allowing my three or five year old to wander freely, naked in all weather. For one thing the traffic would surely do him in , But beside that the expectation of society would result in my child being taken from me.
When I think of open country with space to roam and a lack of monstrous vehicles driven by careless people I can imagine the joy and education of children romping to the nearby lake. The Indians understood that children’s work was play and they consented not to hinder it.
The lack of clothing in cold or heat is also fascinating to me. Their aim was to toughen up their children and some have theorized this attitude led to an active healthy lifestyle even into old age. I think of the pains we American suburban parents go to to ease our children's discomfort in cold and hot weather. “Wear your mittens, and jacket” or “Don’t be out in the sun too much” we might say. Understandably some of these activities like drinking lots of water in sunshine and sunscreen are common sense reactions to advances in health care and science. But another thing science has taught us is that cold weather does not cause illness. Maybe our children should be allowed to go without a hat if they wish or wear shorts when it’s 50 degrees. It seems to me very likely the greatest injury that may occur is the odd glances that others in society would give us because of the widespread norm that children should be kept from our version of discomfort even when they insist on it.
It seems the Native American childrearing response stemmed from a knowledge of the demands of their environment rather than layers of superficial expectation as we are constrained by today.


Another part of Native American parenting that I found interesting was their view on discipline.

From page 10-11:

“ Seventeenth and eighteenth-century Europeans explained the absence of corporal punishment from the Native American practice as a consequence of the fear that a child so humiliated would commit suicide or, recalling the act in adulthood would seek revenge on his or her parents. Contemporary historians have found other motives. George Pattitt cited as the “ chief inhibition... the fact that pain per se cannot be used as a fear -producing, coercive force in a social milieu which placed a premium upon ability to stand pain and suffering without flinching.” Furthermore, he suggests that children must feel protected from punishment by their families, that children are specially linked to the spiritual world and as such receive kindness and respect, and that the patience and stoicism fostered by life in the cradleboard makes an Indian child “amenable to an early training, so strongly marked by indulgence.”

It was thought that Native American parents preferred to lead by example and feared inciting rebellion in their children with actions of overt oppression on their part. It’s debatable wether there was rebellion or there should have been, but one attribute I see in Native American family life that I think could significantly contribute to strengthening family ties and decreasing rebellion is respect from parent to children. This is a trait almost completely lacking in modern society. Who knows what the affect of widespread implementation would be. Modern children are relegated from birth to a world notably different and secondary to the world of adults. They are put into classes and spoken down to by teachers with little time to think or play. It seems that Native American children interacted with a variety of generations of children and at an early age were contributing in a real, albeit age appropriate way to the family. This gave them purpose and a feeling of being connected and valuable to their family. Very often modern children feel either like an inconvenience to their families or entitled to the services their families provide them. They are forced to behave according to myriad standards they may not see an immediate purpose for or constrained in houses they are not free in because of adult areas and furnishings. I don't suggest living in tents and forcing young girls to collect sticks and boys to kill animals. What I do suggest is to the extent we can, allow children to participate in a real way in our households by doing age appropriate chores.

As Native American children grew there were definitely fewer options of where their lives would lead than our children have today. These options were largely limited by sex and ritual often accompanied milestones for men and women. These are things I have no desire for our society to return to. But as far as the treatment of the young, I think we can take a few lessons from them. Respect children’s questions and ask important ones to them in return. Allow unscheduled time for them to discover who they are and what they like. Our world provides so many more opportunities than the native American world, that knowing themselves at a young age will help immensely to get them started toward a life they will love before distractions set in. School and sports represent only a small portion of what real life has to offer and it is an injustice that children are raised with such a narrow perspective on life.

The seven year marriage

So I heard a theory recently that human relationships may be moving toward a time when monogamous partnerships will span a period of seven to ten years, whereupon, the partners, having lost that loving feeling toward each other will then amicably split to seek others more suitable to their current maturity, interests, whatever they feel are the traits they have most outgrown in their previous partner. There are some definite pros and cons to this idea, so I thought I would explore a few.

Pros: Easing time pressure. Many have fallen prey to the tightening noose of age or availability. People feel pressure from family to find a mate, friends to prove they are worthy of attracting a partner, and from society that there are certain expectations when one ventures into a relationship. All of these factors can contribute to a person vowing to partner with another forever when they are not prepared, not willing, or simply ignorant of the full consequences. Young people are expected to make a very important decision when, in reality they may be more suited to solidifying their life partner a decade later than when they are presented with the opportunity. So how would it affect people if there were no pressure from society. If it was expected that they partner up with the person of their choosing for the period of time that suited the relationship. Then they could split amicably and move on to a more mature partner, and what if there were no time pressure because most of the people in their generation were doing the same thing so at any given moment there were a significant pool of available singles to choose from for your next string of monogamous years. Would this lead to more general satisfaction, possibly more intellectual growth or more brain activity into the later years of life as our brains must adjust to a new person with new interests every decade or so of our lives?

Allowing personal growth. It is hard to know what a person in their twenties will be like in their thirties or forties. Will their interests or career change? Will they still feel the same way about you or will they be bored? What if two people just don’t mature in the same direction or at the same pace. Many people complain about the excitement of newlywed life fading into a stagnant place of boredom. What if there were a no guilt escape hatch at the end of that gray place where people would agree to seek other partners peacefully. What if everyone did it to the point that angry fights and litigation were no longer necessary. It is relatively well established that humans need struggle, in the form of goals or purpose: something to shoot for, to maintain a desire for living. People who are denied struggle are often depressed and suicidal. Could not our continued goal be a better and better partner? Would that influence people to have more satisfaction in life overall? Would people find they were more true to themselves? Would they follow their dreams more because they knew if their partner didn’t approve they could just leave for a saner partner?

More equal opportunity? would a scenario including multiple monogamous partners mean that the less eligible in our society would stand a better chance of finding a partner. Maybe a more eligible partner would submit to having a far less eligible partner because they knew it was for a limited time. Could people with mental or physical deficiencies be able to enjoy a satisfaction that is normally only afforded to those better off? Would this lead to people being more compassionate because they are able to have close experiences with those they ordinarily would ignore. Would it lift the spirits of those who would normally be overlooked for mating to an extent that would in general give them a better, more satisfying life, possibly even alleviating their conditions to a certain extent?




Cons: Misconstruing the basis of a satisfying relationship. It is hard to say, but I wonder how likely it would be, if our relationships were of a temporary sort, even a long term temporary kind, that we would really invest our whole selves in them. If we knew that when our differences with our partner mounted up to a level we did not feel comfortable with we could leave guilt free, would we sacrifice much to accommodate our partner? Would we work very hard to try to bring our partner into our lives? Would we try very hard to understand their feelings and interests? If we were given such leeway to be ourselves that it didn’t matter how well it coincided with another person why would we really, truly care that much about them? We would not have much at stake. What if, then we discover that what makes a relationship truly satisfying is giving of ourselves for another and finding that the other person similarly loves us enough to give of themselves for us. Would we really be motivated to experience that selfless love if we didn’t have to? Obviously many, possibly the majority of American marriages are devoid of this kind of love already so a move to make that state of being more acceptable would have little affect. But what if true love is the complete and most deeply satisfying human experience and it depends on the partners involved being if not selfless, than at least concerned with the wellbeing of another to the extent that they would sacrifice some of their own selfish happiness. Would it really profit the human race to encourage a system that would favor convenience over long term satisfaction? It is already established that married people, men at least live longer lives. There may be something to be said for doing the work that it takes to maintain a relationship over giving up on it for another.

The affect on future generations. There is no mention in the seven year plan about what should be done with the children produced in these temporary relationships. Obviously there is already a large population of children who are the products of divorce, and statistically these children are generally at a disadvantage compared to their counterparts in a stable two parent household. In general I attribute the breakdown of these families in large part to selfishness and most often where I see an overbearing concern with self more than a concern for others I see anger, depression, violence, and most other negative characteristics that keep a person from performing well in society and their own lives. I can’t imagine that a system that would encourage selfishness in relationships would provide much in the way of producing well rounded children that contribute positively to the world around them.

Altering the General worldview. When people find themselves in a loving family stemming from the selfless devotion of parents, it is much easier to learn compassion for others. It would be logical to surmise that parents who were attempting to give of them selves for the love of their partner would find it more natural to teach younger generations compassion for others in general and the value of sacrifice for the greater good. In a society that revolved around short term monogamous relationships as the standard it seems more natural that a more selfish worldview would be taught to future generations. Possibly something more resembling survival of the fittest than opportunity for all. While we seek to pursue modern relationships we may find ourselves throwing out the social evolution that has made humans so superior to animals.


Health Impact. I do not know what kind of health impact these short term monogamous relationships may have. While sex won’t in general be completely careless, those with ongoing std’s will have more partners to potentially pass the diseases to. At the same time there could potentially be more genetic diversity among offspring as there more children by more combinations of people.

These are just a few issues related to short term serial monogamy. What do you think?

The Birth of Cory

As far as peak experiences go I am still reveling in my latest. It happened on October 1, 2010 when my new son entered the world. The evening began routinely enough. Todd was out, and I put all of the kids to bed. I was working on cleaning the kitchen, when the baby started putting pressure on my sciatic nerve. This had been happening many evenings over the last few weeks. It gave me a shooting pain down my leg, that usually made me stumble and indicated it was time for me to take a break. Normally the pain went away when I sat or laid down. I decided to take a bath. This was the first time I remember the pains continuing when I was sitting in the bath. Then Todd came home and I sat on the bed to talk to him a bit. We were in the midst of conversation when I paused and said, “Oh, I think my water broke.” I trotted into the bathroom, and we discussed our next step. I was not convinced that it was my water, because I had suspected my water had broken with Nina, and I was wrong. I was also concerned because I knew that if my water did break, then I was on the clock. I checked online to see how much time I had left to deliver the baby before I would have to give up my home birth dream once again. I was prepared for a two day labor as my other labors had been. Todd was the optimist, however. He was all smiles. “I know your water broke. That is so great! We are going to have this baby soon!” He kept saying. He called the midwife and while he was still on the phone with her I had my first contraction, then another. They already hurt and could not be mistaken for anything else. The midwife told me what signs to look for to make sure my water was indeed broken, and as she was talking to me on the phone she became confident that it had broken by what I was telling her. She advised us to get some rest and call her in the morning or when the contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart. She assured me that if labor didn’t continue progressing she had some natural remedies we could try before going to the hospital, and that helped ease my mind.
So we all settled in to relax and wait. Todd made a list of things we needed from the store, like the two gallon ziplock bags I wasn't sure we had, but the midwife would need, and snacks that I thought I could tolerate. (One of my problems with Evan’s labor was that everything I tried to eat I threw up, so I was determined to start snacking immediately) Todd fixed me up with an episode of Star Trek NG, and put my phone with my favorite music on it by my side. I took some Tylenol PM as part of my plan to sleep through the first night of labor. Following the Star Trek episode, I started my labor sound track. I realized very soon into the music that sleep would not be an option. The contractions were distracting, but I did my best to ignore them, or relax into them. I imagined dilating, and flowers blooming, and meeting my baby and every positive labor thought I had discovered over the previous 9 months. I thought about how wonderful it was that my body could handle labor, that every pain was natural and normal and doing the work to bring my baby to me and end the torment of my pregnancy. By the time Todd got back from the store (and sneaked in a quick meal from Wendy’s since he suspected labor might take a couple days and he remembered how hungry he got with Evan and Nina’s labors) I thought I should get at least an idea how far apart the contractions were. He gave me his i-pod touch with a stopwatch app pulled up, so we could see how long the contractions were as well as the time in between. When I started timing, the contractions were between three and five minutes apart. Within less than thirty minutes they were 2-3 minutes apart or less, and Todd was on the phone to the midwife.
She packed up and came over. I wondered if she was getting ahead of things, because I didn’t really believe I could be very far along. When she got to the house I was no longer listening to music. I was on my feet because my body had told me to walk. She began to get her things in order and asked if I felt any pressure. I told her, yes, and she told me to push any time I felt like it. “Really?” I asked. I was so amazed I couldn’t believe it. She checked me and said I was at nine centimeters. I was just flabbergasted. I had never known what nine centimeters felt like before. I hung onto Todd standing for a few contractions, and then I really wanted to be on my knees so I dragged Todd down with me so I could hang on him. The contractions were strong, but nothing compared to my other two labors. I credit this with my own determination not to fight them this time. During one contraction I remember thinking “I can’t do this anymore”. Immediately after my mind voiced that concern I remembered a friend had recently talked about a chemical being released during transition that tends to produce a feeling of panic, but provides the final burst of energy the body needs toward the end of labor. “Yay, I’m in transition!” was my next thought. I was completely giving in to my body by then, and making weird low sounds. I was not self conscious, I was not thinking about what I was expected to do, just what I was told in my head to do. I had breaks between my contractions right up until the end. There was a moment when I thought, forget the breaks, let’s have all the contractions and just get this done. I was keenly aware my clear-headedness. In my previous two labors I was so obsessed with the pain and so exhausted by the length of labor I had no energy to produce a clear thought. The midwife just sat back and let my body go. She was my confident, quiet support. She told me merely to push when I felt ready. Then I felt it. For the first time in my life I felt the urge to push, and I did. I felt the baby moving, slowly at first. I felt his head almost come out, and slide back in twice. I felt for a moment like I was pushing against something that wouldn’t budge, then burning and stretching, then his head was out. His body was out in the next push and it was over. I saw him lying behind me on a pad on the floor as the midwife checked him and cleaned him up a bit. I just exclaimed “Oh my gosh!” over and over. I couldn’t believe he was out already. The room was dim, and quiet, almost romantic. My baby was out and crying. The midwife said he was a bit blue because the cord was around his neck slightly, but he pinked right up, and he was perfect. Todd held him, then I got on the bed and held him. Wow, what an amazing moment. That labor was nothing like my previous ones, and it was everything I could have ever hoped for. The labor altogether lasted only 5 hours, leaving us 5 more hours to rest before the kids woke up and we were able to introduce them to their new brother. I conked out, but Todd couldn’t sleep as his watchful father instinct took over. After losing Evan to the NICU during his first few hours of fatherhood, he was forever vigilant lest anything happen to another newborn of ours on his watch. He stayed awake all night to make sure our new son was completely fine. And he was.
The kids and I were scheduled to go with my parents to the farmer’s market in the morning. Todd and I had called them when labor began to let them know plans may change, but we very likely would be calling on them the next day for childcare during labor if nothing else. Todd had fun calling them in the morning to inform them their newest grandchild was already here. They came over with breakfast in hand and were able to watch the kids for us through dinner time, giving me an absolutely peaceful first day with Todd and my son. As a matter of fact we had a blissful first weekend with our family. I couldn’t have asked for anything more perfect.
What a contrast between a day and a half of hard labor at home followed by a hospital transfer and an infected baby who had to spent his first week in the NICU (Evan’s labor), and this last five hour labor with a healthy boy at the end. I knew the difference was completely in my head. It was my choice of confidence, and peace. It was trusting myself and my body, and having no fear. I thought about how amazing and strong the connection was between my thoughts and my body and I wondered what that could mean in the everyday situations I face. What could that connection mean to my health, as well as my mental state. I controlled my labor with my mind. Could I also control my stress levels? my heart health? the speed my body ages? Am I ready to take responsibility for my health by determining to control my thoughts? What is the best way to think? I am not the only one wondering these things, and I am definitely not the most educated on this connection, but after experiencing this for myself I can no longer look at my thoughts as innocent ideas flitting through my head. They are important, and it is high time I learn to use them better.