Toddlers Present and Past

These creatures are lovely, really. Completely cute in their moments. But let me tell you there is nothing that does me in like being responsible for one, or more than one, every day, all day, every minute of the day, and night, and wee hours of the morning and every nanosecond in between. Because I swear that in my most recent toddler's life I have been needed at least once in every single one of the aforementioned time frames. There is nothing like it. I remember pulling all-nighters in college. Hey, I even remember the all-nighter when 30 minutes before class the next day all the work I had done didn't save, and I had to beg mercy for more time to re-do it. But none of that is like the stress of being responsible for a little being that finds all manner of risky things and runs with them, that cries for no reason other than wanting more attention when all you are doing is getting him food, that loves to do nothing more than stripping every toilet paper roll he finds, and drown his bagels in the tub.

Yes, I know, you have heard this on every mommy blog everywhere. But that is because it is simply amazing. How can one little being require so much attention? How can they be fascinated by so many things that require mommy to clean up or unplug? How can that fire truck ride-on toy he got for christmas occupy so little of his time?

Maybe that is what inspires so much pride in moms who make it through. Nothing in my life was more taxing than seeing my kids through their toddler years. But I did it, five, going on six possibly going on a couple more times, and then I will retire from toddlerhood. And I will require my pension. I will be on easy street. I will be able to breath. I honestly find I forget to sometimes these days. I hit a momentary lull and find my body completely tense, and then I breath. I have even taught Nina the joys of the cleansing breath. I have been trying to teach Arin that for years. He is the one who truly needs it, but he has chosen to find his own path to relaxation, not Mommy's.

I realize that if I had not made it through the previous toddlerhoods in my house, I would not have the great helpers I now have in my bigger kids. As a matter of fact I plan on hiring them this afternoon to cage the whirlwind for me so mommy can sleep. That is the thing that my precious jewel didn't allow me to do completely last night, or the night before, or any night since he was born.

Counter Clockwise

I have control issues. I really like the idea that I can affect my future, and that I am not just a victim of chance or predestination. Therefore a book like "Counter Clockwise" is right up my alley. The book is written by a member of the Psychology department at Harvard, who has authored many books and received multiple awards during her distinguished carreer. This is a woman I can trust. In this book Ellen J. Langer proposes that being mindful, as in being observant of details, and actually seeing the present truth, rather than being held hostage to preconceived notions and stereotypes, can affect our health in a very real and measurable way. While I guessed this might have been true, the birth of Cory convinced me it was so. Having my mind in the right place with the right thoughts absolutely made the difference between a two day and 5 hour labor to me. Sure there were other factors involved, but the difference my thoughts made were amazing.

Langer did some studies among the elderly. One major study she undertook was among a population of senior citizens that she took on a retreat. She divided the participants in to two groups. The first group spent a week reminiscing about what life was like for them in 1959. They looked at that year as a moment in their past whereas her experimental group looked at 1959 as if they were living it presently. The people involved in carrying out the study were carful to make sure everything that was part of the week was from 1959, from the magazines, to the tv shows, to the discussions. By the end of the week, both groups present showed measurable signs of improvement in hearing and memory, but the group that was fully immersed in the idea of 1959 being the present showed more improvement in areas like joint flexibility, height, weight, and many even improved their scores on intelligence tests.


Langer found that when hotel cleaning staff were informed that their job satisfied the CDC's recommendations for an active lifestyle they lost weight and improved their health, just by being mindful of their work. Langer also took issue with the language used when referring to the condition of cancer patients. She noted that it is possible that merely telling someone they have a terminal disease, may deprive them of the hope they need to conquer it. She also encourages everyone to think outside of the traditional medical box, ask questions, and realize that when it comes to health there are few hard and fast paths to follow.


In short, this book is full of studies and ideas that make the thoughts floating through our brains seem more than random ideas, but a power that can be harnessed. Langer indicates in her book, however that these ideas are not necessarily a fountain of youth, or a cure for cancer, they are more like an aid, a vitamin. While being mindful about our health may actually physically help us, it will at worst at least give us hope, and help us to make the most of the time we have.

Market Day

This post is so late as to be rather irrelevant chronologically, yet the idea behind it was so good I am determined to post it. In December, before Christmas, one of the homeschool groups we belong to hosted a day they call Market Day. The idea for this activity is to allow the kids to sell, trade or buy items. It gives the kids a chance to acquire things for themselves or for others for Christmas. Well, in November, Nina learned how to hand knit and I was faced with the prospect of long noodles of hand knitting accumulating all over the house. I suggested that Nina make necklaces and bracelets to sell at Market Day. Evan was nearby during this conversation and when he heard someone talking about earning money he perked up and had the idea to sell origami ninja stars. Arin rarely feels crafty, but he wanted to jump on the moneybag bandwagon so I suggested he collect small toys I really wanted to get rid of that were around the house and sell them. We all spent weeks stockpiling wares, talking about pricing, quality, supply and demand, and presentation. Basically we learned capitalism in a simple, age-appropriate nutshell. On Market day I dug out a festive table cloth, and brought a bean bag target so that 1. kids would have something to do with their ninja stars other than pelt each other, and 2. if people wanted to play the game they would have to buy a ninja star. The day was a success. All of the kids earned money: not enough to finance their college education, but not a bad haul for sales in the average kid market.

Occupy

The day after Thanksgiving we avoided the stores, and went for the first time to Moorehead Planetarium, in Chapel Hill. We noticed, while driving around that Occupy Chapel Hill had setup camp right in front of the post office a block or so away from the Planetaruim. Todd and I thought it would be a great opportunity to ask questions of these enigmatic, but enthusiastic protesters. We informed the kids about the basics of the movement, the value of free speech, and encouraged them to formulate their own questions to ask the people involved in the protest. At the end of the day when we had time to glance at their literature and read their worn signs, there were few people hanging around to talk to. We wandered past a young man leisurely strumming a guitar and finally asked a few questions of an older gentleman, who seemed to have some strong personal opinions, but I don't know how well they represented the movement. I really don't know exactly what represents the movement best. In all honesty the first article I read about the movement seemed more entertaining than an onion article, and it took me a moment to realize the story was real.

I have a little experience with protesting. Back when I was a teen, there was a summer-long string of vibrant pro-life protesting outside of abortion clinics. The church I attended was involved, and I was very interested in protecting the rights of the unborn. I got rides to the protests, and held signs. I prayed and watched as those who were blocking clinic clients were arrested by police. I listened as angry members of the National Organization for Women yelled loud rhyming poems at us. I sang songs with other protesters. I felt I was part of something big, exciting, important and meaningful. I also saw things I found disturbing. One incident was particularly repulsive to me. Local TV cameras had come to film our protest that day and I saw a small group of people keep an eye on camera activity. When the camera turned to them they burst into fake tears, and started yelling phrases that might have come from the mind of an unborn baby. "Why do you want to kill me, Mommy?" and similar disturbing phrases pierced the air. Then the second the cameras were turned off the people became silent, brushed themselves off, and just stood there. At the time the thing that disturbed me the most was how those people were more focused on gaining media attention than being genuine.

I say this not to take a pro-life or pro-choice side and begin that polarizing debate. If you want my opinion about that I can get into it at another time. My point is that I am naturally distrusting of protests of any kind. I have seen first-hand that they are not always what they seem.

There are protests that do accomplish their intent. But if the people you want to get through to are so addicted to abusing capitalism that all they respond to is the almighty dollar, I don't think they will be intimidated by massive amounts of people who would rather gather and gripe than earn money. Todd had the great idea of beginning a website that posts all relevant information about companies for the public to see. If people are thinking of working with a company they can find out how much the CEO makes, how much they contribute to philanthropy, things like that. Such a website could possibly affect how the company is viewed in reality, and therefore, possibly directly influence how much money they make in the future. I think if people were really interested in blowing the cover on big business they would look into how big business works, what influences them, what could hurt them. To affect change in how businesses are run you need to speak their language.

Best of luck to you in the "Occupy" movement, but I sincerely hope it doesn't represent the best and brightest of those who want to bring accountability to the American financial sector. I agree on the need for change, and though it is not a cause I am choosing to spend my time on, I hope those that choose to address it find a more efficient means.

First Lego League

Evan had the awesome opportunity to participate in First Lego League this year. For those of you who don't know what that is there is really no short explanation. The theme this year was "Food Factor". This means that all of the Lego robot missions and the research project we related to food safety. The team began by assembling all of the components for the mission table. Then each team member had a chance to work with a Lego robot to accomplish a variety of missions to earn points. The team also did a research project about how to keep sweet corn safe from a specific type of fungus. We went on a field trip to talk to a farmer and one of the team members contacted a researcher in Oklahoma for more information. The team presented a skit as well as their robot runs at our local library as part of the league requirements. So not only did they get to build with Legos, they learned computer programming, writing, researching, public speaking, and teamwork. I have to admit I like the idea of Lego league as much as Evan does. We didn't win any awards this year, but the boys did a great job at their tournament and we are looking forward to next year.

Pink and Blue

Obviously I have kids. There are boys. There is a girl (and for almost two years there were girls). There are differences. I have heard many people with many opinions about the differences between the sexes. I have heard people with and without kids tell me that outside of physical differences there are no differences between the sexes. I think I understand where they are coming from. I think they are reacting to the idea that has been so pervasive that there are insurmountable differences between sexes. Women are not allowed to be strong and smart, while men are not allowed to be sensitive and nurturing. I sympathize. For many years growing up I wished I was a boy, because I felt like boys were respected, and I was not. I felt like boys were allowed to have opinions and I was not. Boys could do anything, interesting things, and I could not. I wanted nothing to do with being part of a sex that was so boring and limiting. If that was what was meant by "differences between the sexes" I would have thrown out the idea long ago. To some people that is still what the difference is: weak and strong, smart and dumb, hard and soft, yin and yang. In science, in real life, the differences are not so simple, not so stereotypical, but still very obvious.

I admit that my opinion is partially based on experience. My boys and girl are different, but not in a completely stereotypical way. In a perception way. As I have looked into the science of it everything makes perfect sense. Boy and girl brains are different in a real way. This does not so much make us fit a mold, but it affects how we perceive the world: how we process the information we get and how we disperse it. Also, every one of these differences is on a sliding scale. While most boys and girls perceive things in a certain way, there is a spectrum.

One idea is that the differences between the sexes are completely created by the environment. I think this is funny, actually. I have been told that since Todd and I have stereotypical roles in our family that it would be natural for my girl to be girly, and my boys to be boyish. It is true that my children will learn something about the world from the fact that I don't work outside the home, and many other things they see around them. But how did this influence the tendency my one year old has to play with wheels? He loves wheels. Stroller wheels, car wheels, toy wheels. He spins and watches, and spins. Wheels are typically a male thing to play with. Cory has had equal access to stuffed animals and dolls. He did play with a stuffed pig once. He picked it up and smacked the ground with it numerous times, but most often he does not find these toys interesting. He has also had access to many gender neutral toys, and he loves many of those as well. This preference for wheels was painfully obvious, and we did as we have done for all of our kids. When we pick up on an interest, we encourage it. Wheels it is, and Cory received a set of cars with nice wheels from Grandma for his birthday, which he loves. I am not aware of either Todd or I , or any of our other kids, ever playing with wheels around Cory. (The other kids are all playing video games these days) Where did he learn to love such a typically male thing like wheels? If you ask people who insist this gender difference is purely social I am sure they can come up with some type of explanation for you. If you ask a scientist, they will tell you they have seen that boys tend to prefer toys that move, to those that don't. They will tell you that boys tend to see the world in a slightly different way than girls.

Those of you who know my kids, know that Evan is Todd, and both of them have very few preferences that could be construed as anything but male (except for Todd's love of Celine Dion). That is who they are. Arin has preferences that are more balanced. He likes action figures, but he loves the female heroes. He plays superhero squad, but he also plays " let's go shopping for clothes" games. He doesn't like to wear dresses, but he does like his nails painted black and his hair long. That is Arin. Nina loves pink, though, now she is really developing that rock star edge. They all have different interests, but scientifically it is not their interests that separates their sexes, and that is what we as a society need to get over. Boy is not blue and girl is not pink. Boy is speaking in more noises than words as they learn to speak. Girl is taking in information to a brain that is more entwined and connected than a male brain. Girl is being affected by maternal hormones in a different way than men will never know. Boy is developing mentally at a different pace than girls.

The science is fascinating,but what I want to leave you with most is the value. I believe men and women are different, but I don't believe that can be narrowed down to a stereotype. We have been teaching Evan and Arin that all men are not Daddy. There are men who stay home with their kids, who dance and make art, and work in factories. But being a man of any kind is a good thing. We don't want either of them to wish they needed to be a different sex to express who they are. Likewise, I feel like some people judge me because I have chosen to stay with my kids and teach them. They feel like women meed to be strong and have jobs. I think women need to feel like we can do anything, including stay with our kids. Many women wish they could stay with their kids, but can't or don't for many reasons. I do think women tend to be more empathetic than men, but I don't think it is weak, and I think it would be a great quality for a world leader, if a woman chose to be one. I think we are more nurturing, but I think nurturing is vitally important in this world, and needs to be valued equally or more than the strength to plow the next guy over. I think people, including extreme feminists, have chosen to place great value on male traits, when society vitally needs all kinds of traits to be healthy. I think the answer is not making everyone into strong, tough, male-ish people, but elevating female traits to the place where they belong. We need nurturers, and empathizers if this world is going to continue. We need to get away from the idea that being different is bad, or exceptionally good, for that matter. Different just is, and we need to work with it. I think this is a perfect case of society limiting science. Science has discovered the truth, that males and females are different, even if that difference is minor, but society is so hung up on our social history, that it is limiting what we are allowed to know. We could be teaching to the strengths of both sexes, and encouraging intellectual advancement in this way. We could be educating parents about the specific, exact differences between the sexes since society doesn't seem to understand anything but pink and blue, thus encouraging generations of people who are comfortable with who they are even if they don't fit the stereotype. We could be showing everyone that there is more to life than the corporate ladder, because the truth is that both sexes value nurturing, and family, and people who value their families tend to have more satisfying lives over all.



These are all great links if you want to know more, but let me warn you they are just the tip of the iceberg. Scientists of all kinds are learning more about the brain all the time, and everyone has an opinion about the information coming out. As with many topics you can often find articles to confirm your personal biases. I am trying to be balanced.

Time Magazine article titled "Who Says a Woman Can't Be Einstein?"

"Why Gender Matters" website

City-Journal article titled "Can We Make Boys and Girls Alike"

Great Schools.com article titled "Girls' and boys' brains: How different are they?
I actually tend to disagree with this article, so those of you who don't like what I have to say may like it. I feel the evidence it sites is rather weak overall.


Blog entry referencing the Canadian child "Storm"
If you haven't heard about the case of "Storm" it is pretty interesting and you should totally read the link to the Canadian article "the 'genderless' baby". It is turning out to be a polarizing idea.

Loads of information on gender differences from Education.com

Young Man Evan, and Minecraft

Evan was a creeper (from Minecraft) for Halloween. He has been a video game character for Halloween every year since he was three. As a side note Arin was Saber Tooth and Nina was a teen Rock Star/Vampire (notice the eye-roll, perfect with her costume, don't you think?)

Evan is beginning to do that growing up thing where you can't just throw a lego kit at him for his birthday, and make him jump for joy. (Ironically, though, you can still give him cardboard and make him excited, go figure). Now he is entering older kid territory. He is obsessed with Minecraft, but he already bought a minecraft guy, so now there is no expense. There is no obvious way we can spend money to buy his happiness. What do we do? Todd thought about buying Evan a program so he could make youtube videos of his minecraft experience, but then he realized it was free. We thought about buying him a headset with a microphone so he could record the videos, then we realized we already owned one. So Evan's birthday came (Hence the Minecraft cake-type conglomeration). He had a great party where a few friends brought over their own computers. Everyone interacted in the virtual world and the real world simultaneously, yelling across the room, while mining in the same cave on the computers. But Evan never unwrapped a present or from us or asked for one, until about a week later, when Evan realized he didn't get a present. I mentioned that Daddy had intended to set him up to make a video, and Evan held Dad accountable. The video happened, and I think both Evan and Dad were equally excited. Evan, because he could share his love of Minecraft, and Dad, because, since Evan will probably not be a motocross superstar, there is still a chance he could make a fortune making youtube videos. In real life we are all proud of Evan. Also in real life we know very well that some of the best things in life are free or intangible things. That is why Nina's present was a trip to Greensboro, along with her pair of cool shoes. Evan's gift included time with Daddy, which the kids always value, and as a bonus, the record of that time will live on in the form a video intro to Minecraft.



PS. Whatever your motives, Notch, thanks for creating a game that inspires my kids to creativity and teamwork, even if it is addicting.